Ace Admiral

This is not a response to anything in particular, but rather in general. This is a plea, and my reasons for making it. This is a little more forceful than I like to get. This is something I need to say.

[TW: Discussion of hate crimes; Anti-Ace Sentiment]

Someone on my dash linked another post by MissVoltairine. I don’t know why I decided to read it. Probably because I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. The post was recommended by the person on my dash, and it was behind a “read more,” so I went. I don’t suggest that you do. Partly because it includes reference to “hetero asexuals,” but mostly because it tells the story of how she was bullied and humiliated and threatened because of her mother’s (and her own, I think?) sexuality when she was growing up. It talks about a horrible incident where someone set off a bear gas bomb in her hometown targeting her, her mother, and a visiting gay and lesbian choir. And then it presents the familiar conclusion: but people are trying to kill us.

There is nothing to say to this or the other accounts of violence against queer members of the anti-ace faction on tumblr, other than to express sympathy. I will not be so petty as to hold the fact against them that when aces have shared their experiences of violence directed at their person, the response has largely been to ignore or try to wave them away as exceptions. This thing that happened to MissVoltairine is correctly described in the post as an act of terrorism. It is unforgivable that she or anyone should have to face that, or any of the other things brought up over the last 8 months.

But I cannot in good conscience recommend this post, or the others like it, to read, because it presents a false choice. In this particular case, and I am not saying it was done consciously or maliciously, it is an appeal to emotion, to pity, to try and get the reader to take her side in this false dichotomy.

If this was a case where only one dialogue could exist, either LGBT or asexual, then the anti-ace brigade would be correct. People are trying to kill them at a significantly higher rate than they are aces and graces, and it would make sense to prioritize the needs of the larger community over the needs of the smaller one. But this is not the case.

If this was a case where having a competing dialogue meant that people were spending time on asexual issues that they would otherwise be spending on LGBT issues, then the anti-ace brigade would be correct. Draining resources is harmful, and they would have a right to object to the harm being done to their community. But this is not the case. (Except, perhaps, for the anti-ace group, but that is their choice, not the fault of the asexual community.)

The existence of the asexual community, asexual space, asexual dialogue, etc. are not inherently harmful or a drain to the LGBT community or any other community.

We are allowed to have our own virtual space. We are allowed to have our own dialogue. We are allowed to discuss the issues that matter to us. We are allowed to have our own conversation.

So what is my plea? Stop ceding control of Our conversation to parties other than Us.

I am tired of being battered like a rag doll in the winds of what the majority has decided to throw at us today, tired of always being on the defensive, tired of discussing the same things over and over because the majority decides that their opinion is important enough to supersede ace generated conversation and inherently Right enough not to require them to read any of the existing dialogue, or honestly, know a thing about the subject at hand. From the posts I see on my dash, I have the suspicion I’m not the only one.

So stop giving them control over the conversation.

I know this is asking a lot. I know I’m not going to convince everyone. But we need to remember that this is our dialogue, and they are guests in our space.

If someone comes along and says “I don’t think hetero aces are queer,” they have not done the background reading, do not give them control of the conversation.
If someone comes along and says “I’m offended by the word ‘sexual,’ stop using it.” they have not done the background reading, do not give them control of the conversation.
If someone comes along and says “Isn’t the AVEN triangle blatantly stolen from the pink triangle?” they have not done the background reading, do not give them control of the conversation.
If someone comes along and says “Asexuality is defined as [something other that the definition],” they have not done the background reading, do not give them control of the conversation.

I’m not saying don’t respond at all. I know that would take more willpower than most of us (including me) possess. But keep it short. Maybe link them to a background post on the issue, so that they could educate themselves enough to join the conversation if they are so inclined. Resolve not to get in a reblogging back-and-forth death-match. Know when to let it go.

If you were discussing with someone famous asexual cheese makers of history, and someone walked up to your conversation and said, “What are we talking about? Dairy farmers? My uncle’s a dairy farmer.” Would it be impolite to ask them to either stick to the topic at hand or be kind enough to leave? No. The internet is not any different. It is not unreasonable to expect someone joining the conversation to have a basic knowledge of what is being discussed, and it is not selfish to insist that your conversation you started remain on topic.

The people we have met on tumblr do not serve any purpose but to distract, confuse, and frustrate. We do not need them as a “check” on our community; I think we can handle it. We do not need them coming in, forcing us to explain, upsetting the community, then flouncing away having made no headway.

We are in control of our conversation. Don’t forget that.