Ace Admiral

pinkpenguin22:

aceadmiral:

lizziegoneastray:

pinkpenguin22:

I don’t think that repulsed aces need to be cured for the sake of the community or even at all.

What I do think is that some people use their repulsion as an excuse to say “eww, this is gross” when they probably would not have been as sex-negative in the first place without that repulsion.  I’m not saying that this is true of everyone, or even most people, but it’s true of some and it’s scary.  Repulsion is repulsion, it is not a springboard to have people walk on eggshells.

Anyway that’s all I wanted to say.  Take what you will from it.  I’m too tired to be coherent so I’ll probably write something nicer and easier to understand in the morning (and if this is controversial, possibly clearer).

I think you and I are on the same page with this.  I don’t have a problem with repulsed aces in general.  What I do have a problem with is when repulsed aces use their repulsion as an excuse to shame other people for talking about sex or kissing in public or stuff like that, or to shut them down on those topics.  I don’t think that’s cool.  In particular, I’ve heard plenty of stories of aces in queer spaces who acted this way towards the couples there, which is extra not-cool because queer people get enough of the “eww!” reaction from the rest of the world; they don’t need that crap in their safe zone, from people who are supposed to be on their side.  (No, really — if you’re not on their side, and willing to act like it, you need to not be in queer spaces.)  Hell, that stuff’s just generally not cool.  Our society is weird enough about sex; we don’t need to make it worse.  Don’t want to have sex personally?  Cool.  Completely grossed out by the idea of having sex?  That’s fine.  But there were several rules we had to follow at the LGBTQIA regional conference last year, and one of them was, “Don’t yuck my yum.”  It really is just common courtesy.

I agree with you both that people expressing anti-sex sentiment should not try to use repulsion as a justification for those sentiments. But I have two concerns, one of which may or may not be tangential to your original posts.

The first one is in relation to “Don’t yuck my yum.” Say two people are in next to me kissing, and I personally can’t really deal with kissing. How exactly can I go about removing myself from that situation without seeming rude? My yum is being yucked, but I do not wish to yuck their yum. But if I get up and leave, or avert my eyes and am noticed, that’s still going to count (in my experience) as yucking. And the solution is not “well then don’t go to LGBTQIA regional conferences,” because people kiss a lot of places. There was a couple in my university the other day when I was trying to study. There are couples on the street. Couples in the movies and on TV. Couples in gifs on tumblr. The absence of the fact that there is often no solution from this discussion makes me uncomfortable. I mean, the people saying “ewww” are definitely over the line, and I don’t begrudge you saying that behavior should stop; I believe that behavior should stop. But as someone who’s been accused of prudishness for simply trying to make the situation bearable enough so I can grit my way through it without yucking anyone’s yum, I think it’s important to consider the problem with the shades of gray in between.

Which brings me to my second concern: aversion is a reaction to sexual culture. I mean, if you took a whole bunch of repulsed aces and put them on an island, I don’t think any of them would express any anti-sex sentiment. Or any sex related sentiment at all, probably. But since we don’t live in an isolationist colony, repulsed aces are bombarded with images and situations that make them uncomfortable, and for some people, they don’t have any outlet for it, so it builds up until they lash out. Asexual community spaces are the only conceivable places they could have to detox and get rid of all the built up negativity. And personally, I’d rather have them do it on AVEN than have them blunder around the world hurting actual people.

So I guess what these two boil down to is this: you are absolutely right this is a concern. But I think it’s a lot more complicated than “repulsed aces should shut up and deal with it” (although I do generally think shutting up is the best thing to do if you can’t trust yourself not to react poorly) when we talk about this from an asexual community standpoint. We have to be more nuanced in our views and make sure we’re taking care of our community members. That’s what makes me uncomfortable with these two posts, I think.

The thing is, if I’m at a movie and I see blood, I close my eyes until it’s over.  I don’t mind that.  I never say “we need to watch a different movie” if I know that other people are enjoying it.

Furthermore, I understand how people can lash out, but I have to point out that I follow blogs such as fuckyeasexeducation and I reblog those things constantly.  No spoilers.  And I shouldn’t stop because I’m triggering repulsion (also I’m still figuring out tumblr and I haven’t figured out spoiler codes).

My point was, if I close my eyes when blood is on the screen (and I do), nobody gets upset. I usually don’t even get any “you’re such a wuss” comments. That is not the reaction I get when I avert my eyes from kissing or sexual material. If it’s a movie, nearly always someone comments about me being a “prude.” And if there are actual people, they take it personally, as if I am shaming them or their sexuality. And I understand that people are more sensitive about their partner, but it’s not like I walk around with a sign around my neck saying “I am a repulsed asexual; it’s nothing personal.” Nor should I have to. That’s why we need to have a nuanced discussion around this. It’s not black and white, like these people are deciding to do hurtful things and then pretend like aversion is an excuse while everyone else was just sitting there doing nothing. Aversive asexuals should have just as much a right to remove themselves from situations they’re uncomfortable with as people who want to be in those situations should have a right to be there, and unfortunately it is often a no-win scenario.

The internet is a different case, though, I think. For example, if you reblog things I don’t want to see, then it’s my job to either get tumblr savior or not follow you. There is no inherent conflict between you being able to post what you want and me not wanting to look at it, because no one is making me follow you. But there’s no meatspace savior to remove the couple in my study space from my site. And me leaving the space is not analogous to unfollowing because then my studying is interrupted.

It’s complicated, is what I’m trying to say. And it disturbs me to see it presented as though it was black and white.