Ace Admiral

I guess I’ve been a little depressed lately.

I got to see my ex-roommate/something more just before Christmas. She came all the way over here to visit me, and she brought me cookies, and in her Christmas card she wrote how much she missed me. And I missed her, too. I miss her now.

But actually seeing her for the the first time in 9 months made me realize… That’s why they stick an “ex” on the front.

I don’t know if it was the time apart or me opening my big mouth and telling her the truth about the way I thought of our relationship, but there was a distance between us. We were never really physically affectionate, but even the little things we used do weren’t there, didn’t feel right.

She’d already basically said ‘no’, but a part of me was still hoping we might be able to keep our closeness, maybe even mutually think of our relationship the same way. But now it’s pretty clear that’s not going to happen.

Honestly, it’s probably for the best. She’s never going to leave New York, and the work I want to do is in DC. And it’s pretty clear I could never maintain a long-distance zucchini. It’s just not how I work.

Bur I also wonder how on earth I’m ever going to meet someone. She… I didn’t really even *like* her at first, and somehow without me realizing she completely snuck up on me. I thought, since my feelings for her weren’t the burn-bright, instant attraction type but the slow, steady type, they wouldn’t fade, at least, not so quickly.

Maybe it’s because I know what I want and she doesn’t, or at least, doesn’t return my feelings. Because somehow all our ease and intimacy weren’t there anymore.

I thought I’d care more about the fact that I never mentioned anything to her while we were still living together, but the truth is, I don’t. I don’t regret not taking that chance at all.

I just wish I hadn’t lost it somewhere.